this one's for me

Lately, I've been trying figure out ME. Trying to figure out why I feel like I'm so alone. Why I don't feel like fighting anymore. Why I'm tired of depending on others.

I still haven't figured any of this out...but what I do know is that I'm not letting others tear me down anymore and that I'm tired of trying to be who I used to be just because others want me to be the 'old allison'. Well, that's too darn bad...because I'm sick of it and this is the end.

I was talking to a friend, Janai Rhodes tonight. She just had her official last day of high school and we got on the topic of friends and how most of our friends are underclassmen and much younger than us. I told her that we're both very much alike, except for the fact that I don't even talk to those who I consider the best of my best friends anymore...mainly because others don't want me to. People like my mom...and Alex. Alex said that me still hanging out with the high school students was a main reason as to why she started "distancing" herself from me.

Janai said something to me that kinda stuck with me...

"I figure if people are meant to stay in my life, they just will. It shouldn't take so much effort."

I've come to a conclusion...that I'm no longer going to let my mom, or Alex, tell me who I can and can't be friends with. And, I'm no longer going to put so much energy and effort into trying to be friends with people when it just seems like they don't want to be a part of it. Like Janai said...if they were meant to be in my life, then they will be there in the end...if not, then I'm not gonna put the extra effort into trying to make them see that I'm worth their time and love.

This is who I am, take it or leave it. If you don't like ME for ME...then I guess it just wasn't meant to happen.